Residents Speak Out About Young Love's Violent Side

By MIKE WELLS The Tampa Tribune

Published: Sep 23, 2007

TAMPA - It's not just adults who commit domestic violence, a panel of residents and victims advocates said Saturday at the Family Justice Center on Florida Avenue.

Children and teenagers mimic what they've seen at home and are abusing their boyfriends and girlfriends - both verbally and physically. But the cycle can be stopped.

That was the message during Breaking the Silence in Youth Domestic Violence and Dating, a program hosted by ministry chaplain Delia Coleman of the Church of the Apostles in Thonotosassa.

About a dozen residents attended the event. Teens submitted five essays for the program on how violence has affected their lives. Coleman has hosted similar events for adults over the years, but this was her first event focusing on youths, she said.

She decided to organize it after learning how "domestic violence in teen dating has really escalated," she said.

"There are red flags we need to teach young people to watch for," Coleman said. "This is not the way a relationship should be. … Love does not hurt."

Violence in music lyrics and images in pop culture have harmed the way young people view relationships, she said.

Girls have become comfortable with being called derogatory names, she said.

"They think that's perfectly acceptable," Coleman said. "It's not."

Helen Neal talked to the panel about violence in her family, both as a victim and a witness.

"I thought that was the norm," Neal said. "A lot of times, kids think it's OK to hit when things don't go your way."

She got help from The Spring, a local shelter for battered women and children, and in 1991 met a 2-year-old girl there whom she later adopted. Her daughter is now 18 and recently endured an abusive relationship with a boyfriend, Neal said.

"I've been out of [an abusive relationship] since 1991," she said. "It came back into my home through my daughter just a few weeks ago. … I could have helped her if I'd only known. If she'd only told me what was going on."

IF YOU NEED HELP

The Spring's 24-hour crisis line: (813) 247-7233.

Florida Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-500-1119.

A relationship could be abusive if the partner:

•Pushes for a quick relationship.

•Is jealous and possessive.

•Is suspicious of everyone you speak to.

•Hides controlling behavior behind concern for your safety.

•Tries to control what you do and who you see.

•Expects you to always be available or with them.

•Has sudden mood swings.

•Puts down everyone you know.

•Thinks their problems are someone else's fault.

•Is easily insulted.

•Forces you to do things sexually you don't want to.

•Thinks males and females have very specific roles.

•Was abusive in a previous relationship.

•Breaks or strikes objects near you.

Here are some suggestions to leave an abusive relationship:

•Stay in contact with friends.

•Try not to be alone, even when with your partner.

•Tell a teacher, parent, counselor or trusted adult.

•Change your routine.

•Carry extra change in case you need a phone or transportation.

•Keep a list of important numbers with you.

•End the relationship in a public place.

•Inform someone where you'll be going and when you'll return.

•Trust your instincts.

•Get an Injunction for Protection, or restraining order.

Source: The Spring of Tampa Bay

Reporter Mike Wells can be reached at (813) 259-7839 or mwells@tampatrib.com.